Vigilante Shit I was a crazy, precious little horn dog as a baby. My mom loves to tell the story of when I was 5 and walked around the public pool grabbing my crotch a la Madonna in the Express Yourself video. I had (and still HAVE) a wild fixation with the iconic video for Cold Hearted Snake. I loved my babysitter's boobs so much. My Barbies were always fucking. I had a super hot and sexy imagination and fantasies since I can remember, I was humping pillows right and left. I feel super weird even typing that, but it just needs to be very clear that from a young, young age… truly as far back as I remember, I’ve been very intrigued with sex. I’ve also had deeply rooted shame surrounding the subject for as far back as I can remember. I was mortified when I felt ANYTHING going on down there, which was a lot because I used to feel excitement and intuition vaginally, if that makes sense? If I knew something was right or that I was on to something, my vag would pulse and I felt like a FREAK because of it. I also used to orgasm like a fucking fountain before I even knew how to spell “fountain”, and was absolutely mystified and mortified by my wet underwear when it happened. Of course, this shame walked hand-in-hand with my youthful innocence, watered down Catholic upbringing, and the emphasis on modesty in Midwestern culture, however, it was seemingly as inherent and deeply rooted as the drive itself. Over time, Shame, alongside his dick-head friends, Depression and Heartbreak, banished this powerful energy of mine to a tomb deep inside me. Those three little fuckers are tricky, too. I didn't even know they were messing with me until my power was missing. They slowly played their twisted games until I was left feeling broken and guilty for the malfunctioning hardware. They built a fortress around that tomb and I subconsciously forbid myself from even knocking on it’s door. Equipped with anxiety and AuDHD my whole life, the voice in my head DOES NOT STOP and my self-narrative can be pretty brutal. For a long, long time my body was enemy number one. She was the reason I hated summer. She was the reason I hated shopping. It was her fault I couldn’t get pregnant. Her fault I felt like shit. Her fault I never wanted to be intimate with my husband. I treated her poorly. I would either workout until my adrenal glands were shot and more hormones were fucked, or I’d lay and watch Gilmore Girls for HOURS a day without moving AT ALL. She was so tired. When I wasn’t avoiding the mirror, I would look at her with such disgust. There wasn’t compassion for anything we’d been through, and we’ve been through A LOT. No gratitude for the hard work she puts in literally every single minute of the day to keep me alive. I was embarrassed of her. Eventually she got tired of my shit and started to rebel. My lack of love for her landed me with upper-cross syndrome, a shoulder injury, asymmetrical hips and one flat ass cheek…. ultimately landing me at a chiropractor. So here’s where this stops being sad and starts getting fun… After receiving chiropractic care for about 3 weeks, my body started to change in a beautiful way. I started to feel creative again. I started to dance again. I picked up my camera for the first time in a long time and started making pictures again. And the best was… I felt like my vagina started working again. This isn’t to say that having my spine adjusted saved my life and now I’m sex on a stick or anything: my right butt cheek is still flat, my shoulder still hurts, and getting out of my head and in to bed (sex) is still hard for me, but having that stored trauma released helped open me up to work towards alignment in my body and in life in general. I discovered BodyLove during this super transformative time in my life, and I don’t believe it was by accident, in-fact I think it was a fated event. My body was just starting to heal and Midnights had just been released. The instant I heard Vigilante Shit my pussy was poppin'. 😂 I got that intuitive pulse back that I hadn’t felt in years. I instantly envisioned a Heels dance to this song and my body was ravenous to dance to it. Only problem was… I hadn’t even WORN heels in probably 5 years, and I most certainly hadn’t danced in them. And of course I had (have 😒) this pesky shoulder injury. I consoled myself with fantasies of seductively dancing to this song and moved along with life. But GUS (Great Universal Source) didn’t give up on me... this song... this story... this dance. She slid the 10 minute YouTube video of Kayla’s choreography smack dab on top of my feed in January 2023 and I literally felt like a prayer had been answered. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve watched this dance or the number of times I attempted to start learning it but had to put it down because I wasn’t strong enough to do it yet or in too much pain to continue learning. I cannot tell you the hours of strength training, stretching and physical therapy I’ve put in in order to even try. I learned to create boundaries and structure around dedicating time to my body. I learned how prioritize myself and my self-pleasure in order to learn this dance and ultimately liberate a dormant part of myself. My dance skills are improving as well as my self-discipline, but where I’m really making gains is with my self-love and compassion. Body Love has become a sanctuary where I can come and atone for the sins that has life has inflicted on my body. I feel so hopeful for future generations of women knowing there are communities like this one available to work within. I’m working on my dreams of writing a book or blog or creating a podcast to tell my story in more detail. Of course my story is unique to me, but I think versions of this story come a dime a dozen. So many of us are victimized by life’s quiet cruelties, I hope sharing my story in a more public way will encourage other women to bust our their figurative swords, in my case heels, and slay their beasts in whatever way they need to feel liberated. Reclaiming and owning your sexual energy, your fucking birth-right as a woman, is the realest Vigilante Shit there ever was. I love love love you girls. I love and deeply appreciate you, @KAYLABRENDA and @bodylovesanctuary

Posted by kristinrezinas at 2023-08-13 13:32:59 UTC